Trembling Hands.

3rd March 2012. This date is a milestone for me. It means, that In just four months I shall be going back to my country. In other words, it means that I have completed six months in Brazil. Half of an year.

Six months away from something that was everything to me! My country, my parents, my friends, my city, my culture. In six months, I have started it all over.. In a different country, with different people, adopted a different culture. It hurts sometimes, to be away from all that I had or rather still have. I don't know why but it reminds me of the talk my host-dad gave me when I reached in my second house. He said to me, 'Enjoy! This is YOUR time. Don't worry about things back home because your time there, has paused for a while. Nobody is going to take your place in India. It's going to be the same when you go back.' This talk made me think. Is it true? Is everything going to be the same when I go back? Considering majority of the things, I would say no. Everything is not going to be the same. One year is a long time. People change in one year, their thoughts change, places change... Since they say that 'Change is the only constant' it seems to me that it is going to be hard to get back again. I'm so accustimed to the surroundings here, to the people here, to this culture that sometimes I think,'How the hell am I going to change all over again?' One of my ex-exchange students resolved it for me.. Go back and treat it as another exchange. The best tip. This 'exchange' is going to be easier.. I know the people, I can speak the language.. It's the change in thinking that needs to be changed.
Last month, I said goodbye to an Indian exchange student in Brazil and it dawned upon me that someday I'm going to say goodbye to everyone! That day started flashing before my eyes.It is going to be one of the saddest moments of my life. I do not think I will be able to bear it's burden. I'm still too weak. It's a lot to ask for, to be honest. I pictured myself crying inconsolably, my face held tightly in my trembling hands. The worst part is that, this day is just four months away. I still cannot believe that it is going to happen. But, one can never get the best of both worlds, can he? One needs to sacrifice something for the other and in my case, that sacrifice has to be made. It has to be made to embrace new things. That sacrifice has to be made to move on with life and grow old with it. It's going to be hard like most of the things 'life' throws at you. But, if I have learnt one thing perfectly in my exchange is, ' What you give life, is what life gives you' and I'm going to give it the best I have got so that I get the best in return. What I do, decides what I get.. Indirectly, I deserve what I get. I know I strayed away from the main topic here and it's about time I got back.
So, talking about going back, it reminds me of all the stuff I did my entire life. Eating Amrakhanda everyday, enjoying snacks like Bhel, Pani Puri, Vada Pav with my 'real' friends.. laughing and joking along as we enjoy it. I miss speaking Marathi.. A LOT! A Ranade is not the same Ranade without Marathi. I even miss the festivals.. Dancing in Ganpati, Fireworks and the food in Diwali.. I'm also going to miss Holi thi year! This kind of a phase is so confusing! I want to go back, but I dont and there is nothing I can do about that.

On a concluding note.. There is one thing common between staying here and going back. Trembling Hands. If I stay here, my hands tremble when I think about all the stuff back in India. The day I will leave this place, my hands will tremble because I'm going to be scared. When I get back, my hands will tremble because I'm going to be something different in someplace different than I knew. The hands will tremble, I'm sure...